Alton Karr's Guide To The Demigod World
by BornAsTheSeventhMonthDies
Summary: New to Camp? Want to know your way around quickly? Here's a handy survival guide, full of everything you need to know. How to avoid Clarisse, godly interactions, what that prophecy means, how to survive your first quest. All right here. Welcome to Camp Half-Blood. Part of my Jake Universe.
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, all. Since the rest of my stories haven't gotten the greatest reception, here's something on a lighter note.**

Hey. My name's Alton Karr, son of Apollo. I live at Camp Half-Blood, or, as we demigods call it, Camp.

I'm gonna be teaching you a bit about how to survive your first year as one of us. Gods know it's hard enough when the rest of the campers 'try' to help you, but once the monsters, Titans, Mr. D, and the Stolls are finished with you, you might just long for Asphodel. This is the complete and comprehensive guide to all things demigodly.

First of all: If you can read this, you must be a demigod. ( **AN: I, Jake Siaki, Champion of Nike, have copied the words over to a different format so mortals can read it. There's no chance, of course, that any of you will actually believe that any of it is true. Even after saying that. Or that.** ) Because the Mist has been used on all copies of this guide so only those with ichor in their veins can read it.

Secondly, to be a demigod, first of all, means one of the Ancient Greek gods or goddesses must be one of your parents. The other one, the one you know, was a mortal who the god fell in love with. And had you. (Note: To learn about how exactly you were born, this is not the book.)

So after you're finished with your self-denial, the next thing to know is this: your godly parent will claim you by the age of thirteen. If you're older than thirteen and don't know who your godly parent is, contact Percy Jackson, Son of Poseidon, and he will speak to the Olympian council.

Claiming you works like this: a hologram of the god's symbol of power will appear above your head for a few seconds. Then you will be placed into the cabin corresponding with your godly parent. All the campers in the cabin are _your half-siblings_ , don't bother getting a crush.

Until you're claimed, however, you will be placed in the Hermes cabin. The Hermes cabin takes in all unclaimed demigods, since Hermes is the god of travelers.

Okay. There're the basics. Now we can get on to the surviving part.

First of all: some ground rules.

1\. Do not go into the Big House without reason.

2\. Do not call Mr. D, who, by the way, is Dionysus, 'the Wine Dude'. Else he will turn you into fancy wine.

3\. Do not, for any reason, go within fifty feet of the Ares cabin. Unless you're an Ares camper. Because they have live land mines planted in random places.

4\. Try to avoid getting the Ares campers mad, unless you're one of them. Also try to avoid talking to them, touching their stuff, looking at them, and going near them.

5\. If at any time, any god other than Mr. D approaches you, drop on one knee and keep your head respectfully bowed. Until they ask you to rise.

6\. If you need assistance with homework or some such, don't ask the Athena campers for straight answers. They hate that.

7\. Every night sacrifice some of your meal to the gods in one of the braziers.

8\. Don't go into the forest alone.

Okay. If you can remember those rules, you're good.

Here are some more in depth instructions.

Olympus is in the Empire State Building, six hundredth floor. The security guard in the lobby will need some sort of proof that you're a demigod.

Your godly parent doesn't care about you. Get over it.

During training, just practice; don't try to beat someone up, else you'll end up looking stupid. On another note, during Capture the Flag: yes, those weapons are real, and yes, people do get hurt. But don't worry! In the last decade, only seven half-bloods have died from Capture the Flag! During the game, try to avoid the Ares campers. See Ground Rule 4.

Do _not_ go up to any of the Seven and try to get them to use their powers. Because they're tired of it. However, Leo might be willing to help you with building something.

If you touch Maimer, you die. See Rule 4.

If you get a quest, first you will go to the Oracle. She lives in a cave, a really cool cave, and she hosts the spirit of the Oracle of Delphi. When she is spewing green smoke, don not panic, else you won't hear the prophecy. And she never repeats anything. You will usually be allowed to choose two companions to go with you on the quest. Choose wisely.

And that brings us to monster fighting! This is a guide to monster fighting, mostly from the experiences of Percy Jackson, Son of the Sea God.

 **Minotaur**

The Minotaur is the son of ancient sorceress Pasiphae, (pa-sih-fy), and man from the neck down. His head is a bulls'.

Strengths: Super strength. He once picked up a limo and flung it at least a hundred feet in the air. And his sense of smell is incredible. Also, he (usually) wears strong Greek armor, so you have to be fast to get in a hit. (Unless you have the Achilles' Curse, which I do not recommend trying for.)

Weaknesses: Stupidity. He's also slow. Clumsy. Pretty uncoordinated. Also his sight and hearing are terrible.

How to bring him down: If he's mostly naked, you can use that to your advantage. Hitting him with something sharp is the accepted way to defeat monsters here at Camp. If he's armored; not much we can tell you. Percy made him charge against his own axe by irritating him, then tipping his dying body off a bridge. But then, he was invincible.

 **Fury**

The Furies, or The Kindly Ones, are bat-winged, hag-bodied torturers of Hades. They're not evil, though; they serve Hades alone. Luckily, there are only three of them.

Strengths: They regenerate almost instantly, since Hades keeps them from going to Tartarus. They have super boiling hot fiery whips that they use to torture the heroes they don't like. And they can fly.

Weaknesses: They don't wear armor, so one good strike should kill them. If you get it in. And they charge at you recklessly, so if you can use their strength against them, you have a slight chance.

How to bring them down: Hit them with something sharp…? Avoid the whips by staying out of range. DON'T TOUCH THE WHIPS.

 **Chimæra**

This is a powerful monster. Two heads, lion and goat, then a snake for a tail. Son of Echidna, mother of the worst monsters.

Strengths: Deadly poison from the snake. Fire from the lion and goat. Super fast. Super strong. Super tough. Can become bigger than a house. Strong in the Mist.

Weaknesses: None.

How to bring him down: Don't even try. Percy Jackson, most powerful demigod since Hercules, wasn't able to. He fell a few hundred feet, burning, into the Mississippi. Just run. Far. And Fast.

Okay, that concludes the first chapter of How to Survive Your First Week as a Demigod! Hope it helped!

 **Review this. I know people are reading; please. Twenty seconds of your day could give me five minutes of happiness. If you're an author, you understand how great it feels to get reviews. If you're not...you'll just have to take my word for it.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey hey hey, everyone! I know...it's been a while, huh. Anyhoo: here's the next chapter, with exclusive interviews from two main characters!**

Welcome to Chapter Two! By now, you should have been claimed, settled into Camp a bit, and maybe even beaten somebody at swordfighting. If not, well…you'll learn. Remember: This isn't fencing. It's fighting. The Princess Bride doesn't help.

When you get into trouble with someone, here are some helpful hints as to what to do.

Camper: If they're a violent type, (Ares, Athena, Hermes, etc.) try to placate them with something. Drachma or ambrosia is a good way to start. If that doesn't work, chocolate is always good.

God: Not too much you can do here. If it's a violent _god_ , hope you lived a good life worthy of Elysium. If it's not, hope you lived a good life worthy of Elysium…?

And here's an interview with our camp director, Mr. D.

* * *

 _Alton: Mr. D, would you mind giving a quick interview for new campers?_

 ** _Mr. D: Why?_**

 _A: Er…because we've seen an increase of camper deaths and irritated gods and campers from the newbies who don't really know what to do._

 ** _Mr. D: You mean what's-his-name…Percy Jackson?_**

 _A: You mean Peter Johnson? Yes, him._

 ** _Mr. D: Alright. For the record, the brat got himself killed when he…what was it again, Aidan?_**

 _A: Alton, sir. And he fell off the climbing wall into the lava._

 ** _Mr. D: *chuckles* That's right. Son of Athena, was he? I had to fill out much too much paperwork. You…kids…get into so much trouble. Makes me long for the days when I was turning heretics into dolphins left and right._**

 _A: Yes sir. Do you have any tips for new campers?_

 ** _Mr. D: Don't come. Nobody cares about you._**

 _A: Anything supportive or encouraging, sir?_

 ** _Mr. D: …No._**

 _A: How about some ideas for survival?_

 ** _Mr. D: Who wants the brats to survive? I certainly don't. If they go out into the woods by themselves and get eaten by a hellhound, they broke section 100835 of the CHB agreement and I take no blame. Oh…tell them the woods are safe._**

 _A: But sir, the whole point of Camp is for it to be a safe haven for demigods and let them train to fight monsters!?_

 ** _Mr. D: Well, I wasn't given the choice of where the kids would go! I never asked to be stuck here in this miserable camp, taking personal care of all you kids and no wine for fifty years!_**

 _A: Yes sir. Thank you._

* * *

Well, I hope that helped!

Next we have an interview with Percy Jackson, since we have had some complaints that the Mr. D review was not helpful. (I don't know. Never read it.)

* * *

 _Alton: Hello, Percy Jackson. I'm the creator of Alton Karr's Guide to the Demigod World! Would you do a review for the new campers?_

 ** _Percy: Sure! What do you want me to say?_**

 _A: Well, could you just give them a tip or two about the world of the demigods?_

 ** _P: Okay…How about this._**

 ** _Look, I didn't want to be a half-blood._**

 ** _If you're reading this because you think you might be one, my advice is: close this book right now. Believe whatever lie your mom or dad told you about your birth, and try to lead a normal life._**

 ** _Being a half-blood is—_**

 _A: Yes, thank you, but at this point they've already been claimed…_

 ** _P: Oh._**

 _A: So any advice on fighting monsters, surviving stuff, not irritating gods, stuff like that?_

 ** _P: Well, sure. Um…how about when you have the shorter blade, get in close? That's what Luke told me._**

 _A: How about something original. You didn't become the two-time hero of Olympus by taking other people's advice, did you?_

 ** _P: …_**

 _A: …_

 ** _P: Well, I see what you're trying to get at, but everyone's helped me through the wars and quests and everything._**

 _A: Okay…_

 ** _P: Well, the only thing I can think of is: when someone tells you you're not their type, they're probably lying._**

 _A: Thanks a lot, Percy._

* * *

Hope that that one was better! (Again, didn't read it.)

Well, now we've come to the time where we assess a monster. Since I have some important business to work on - *cough* find Will *cough* - I only have time for one monster. Here goes.

 **Scythian Dracaena**

These are a kind of snake-woman, with two snake bodies as legs.

Weaknesses: They're slow and dumb.

Strengths: They usually wear armor, and carry poisonous weapons.

How to bring them down: Get in close. Hit a niche in their armor with – need I say it? – something sharp.


	3. Chapter 3

**Third chappie! Please review!**

Okay! Welcome back to Chapter Three! By this time you may have defeated one of the easier monsters, an ant from the Ant Hill, perhaps, or a simple demon.

So now we're gonna be talking about swordsmanship against other demigods. One of the most classic mistakes that the new campers make is that they try to do fancy moves. Really, until you get much better, there are only a few things you need to know how to do. And this is going to teach you a bit about them.

First of all: the simple parry. This is probably the most important bit of swordwork you'll ever need to know, since it's what keeps you alive. First of all, when your enemy's sword comes in for a thrust, simply spin your sword in front of you, knocking the lunge to the side. This keeps the momentum going, saving you the trouble of actually stopping their movement.

The parry is useful when you're defending. But when you're on the offensive, you'll need to know two things: The thrust and the slash.

When you thrust, or stab, or lunge, which are all the same things, you are trying to find a weak point in their defense and put your sword point in their gut. Now remember, during practice sparring, you should try hard to avoid actually hurting your opponent.

When their sword is out of the way, go for a stab. One leg in front of you, lean your body into the lunge, and stab the sword, point first, into their body. (Unless you're sparring like I said.)

And the slash is pretty much the easiest thing to learn. Ever. Imagine you're swinging a baseball bat one handed. Yeah. And they're the ball.

Okay, now that we have the basic sword work out of the way, I can teach you a bit about first aid. This will be a list of remedies for all kinds of pains.

Sword wound: Nectar and ambrosia.

Monster bite: Nectar and ambrosia.

Monster claw wound: Nectar and ambrosia.

Poison: Nectar and ambrosia.

Broken ankle: Nectar and ambrosia.

Broken arm: Nectar and ambrosia.

Sprained ankle: Nectar and ambrosia.

Sprained wrist: Nectar and ambrosia.

I hope that was helpful! Remember these first aid tips for when you're on a quest, or just during daily life.

Okay. Now I'm going to tell you a bit about mortal/demigod relations and the Mist. First of all, the only living mortals to have seen the camp are Rachel Elizabeth Dare and the Champion of Nike, Jake Siaki. Who is also my editor for this guide.

First of all: being a demigod is dangerous. Monsters hate you, most gods hate you, and so on and so forth. Mortals, on the other hand, aren't important enough to be even hurt by the weapons we use. So, you know, you have to be careful. First rule:

Never attack a mortal intending to kill them. (This is a break of the Olympus Laws which state in section 450073 that all demigods must avoid hurting mortals except in self-defense from possible death.)

Also, even if you tried to hurt someone, like I said, the blade would go right through them. Percy learned this the hard way in LA while looking for the entrance to the Underworld.

Second rule: Titans and older can't hurt you unless you attack them first. So make very sure you can beat them before you start fighting them.

Third rule: No direct involvement. The gods are forbidden from helping you in section 002187 of the Olympian Laws. So don't expect godly help from your parent when you get yourself into trouble.

So there are some rules regarding mortal/half-blood relations. However, speaking with, interacting with, and assisting are allowed, even encouraged. They don't call us 'heroes' for nothing!

Note: If you find a hurt mortal, the first aid section of this guide does not apply. The slightest taste of nectar or ambrosia for a full mortal will burn them to a pile of ashes.

Okay, here're some guides to monster fighting! And then we'll have an exclusive interview from everyone's favorite son of Jupiter, Jason Grace.

Empousa

This demon is a powerful force, especially against males. Capable of shape-shifting, so be careful whenever you see a cheerleader!

Weaknesses: No armor, making it easier for you to chop off limbs.

Strengths: Shape-shifting from a pretty girl to a demon. Claws. Teeth. Some have the ability to explode into flames, making them especially hard to kill. Many have the ability to charmspeak. (See Index iix.) They cast a spell of affection on males, making the heroes lose concentration, making it easier for the demon to kill them.

How to bring them down: Make sure you fight them with a girl. They don't fall under their spell as easily, and an empousa will go for men anyway. Avoid their teeth and claws; make sure they don't get near mortals and use them as hostage. And of course…hit them with something sharp.

All right! However, I'm starting to see a pattern with Greek fighting. Maybe this was why were defeated by the Romans…

Here's the interview with our ex-praetor and our new…, Jason Grace!

Alton: Hello, Jason! Would you do an interview for the new campers, give them a few tips and stuff?

 _Jason: Sure!_

 _A: Thanks. So, any advice for our newbies?_

 _J: Well, you can definitely avoid the Ares cabin, for starters. Definitely. And don't eat staplers…_

 _A: Well, most of our campers are older than three years old, Jason, but thanks for that anyway. Any fighting tips?_

 _J: When fighting a Cyclops, remember that they're good with machines and can mimic voices. Don't be fooled into thinking it's a friend._

 _A: Okay. I'll make sure to put that into our Cyclops monster fighting guide._

 _J: And don't start apocalypses with nosebleeds._

 _A: I think that was kind of a one-time thing…_

 _J: Just remember. Oh…don't trust blondes named Octavian._

 _A: I have a half-brother named Octavian. That is offensive._

 _J: Sorry…okay, if they're also related to Apollo. Make sure of that._

 _A: …_

 _J: And they have to be able to tell the future._

 _A: …_

 _J: And they love stuffed animals!_

 _A: …_

 _J: …_

 _A: Thank you for the interview, Pontifex._

That Jason manages to get on my nerves. Well, that concludes Chapter Three!


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey there! Next chappie! Please review!**

Okay! Here's Chapter Four of the Guide to the Demigod World! In this chapter, we're going to be talking about quests.

You may have heard of quests. They're essentially missions with a goal, with set rules from a prophecy, (given by the Oracle). Heracles, son of Zeus, completed the greatest number of quests. A close second is Percy Jackson, son of Poseidon.

Percy's quests were, to start with:

· Find the Master Bolt and return it to Olympus,

· Save Grover and find the Golden Fleece,

· Save Annabeth, Artemis, and the Ophiotaurus,

· Defeat Kronos,

· Free Thanatos in Alaska,

· Defeat Gaea.

You shouldn't expect to complete nearly so many quests in your lifetime. But there a few good tips to surviving a quest, along with certain rules that you should follow.

First of all, always take with you: Drachma for divine interactions and . Ambrosia and nectar for first aid. And a weapon (need I say?). Also, make sure you have a change of clothing…when your clothes are ripped and burned, it's rather uncomfortable to go into a mortal-occupied area.

Here's another tip: Always bring an extra, useless, empty backpack. In demigod history, the backpacks are destroyed within the first hour. This simple step may confuse the Fates, allowing you to keep your precious supplies for a bit longer.

When you get a prophecy, do not, I repeat, _do not_ try to interpret it. You will be wrong. There is no room for argument on this point; you will be wrong.

Take exactly three people on the quest. No more; no less. The only two quests with a different number of questers were: The quest into the Labyrinth, led by Annabeth Chase, and the quest of the Seven, led by Nico di Angelo. (Yes, he led the quest. Read the accounts and tell me if they could have done anything without him. Kick the son of Mars off the boat? Who cares.)

And lastly: Avoid losing the members of the team. It may seem obvious, but it's very easy to fall into the trap of 'Let's split up. We'll cover more ground that way.' That _never_ ends well.

Here's a tip for demigods with powers. Occasionally, of course, you will be asked to assist someone who needs your help, using your specific powers. This can be avoided by a simple step: Carry a Swiss-Army knife with you at all times. Then, when someone asks you for help (ex. A son of Demeter may be asked to help grow a plant) pull out your Swiss Army knife, look at the different tools, and say very sincerely, "Sorry, but I don't have that tool."

Here's an interview with the daughter of Athena, Annabeth Chase.

 _Karr: Hello, Annabeth. Would you be willing to give an interview for the new members of the camp?_

 _ **Chase: Sure.** _

_K: Thanks. So, a question appropriate at this time would be: Do you have any tips for new questers? Any experiences you'd like to share?_

 ** _C: Sure. Here's a bit of a do-it-yourself, though. Go to the book 'The Titan's Curse' by the senior scribe. Open it to page 72. Okay. That is what_ not _to do in a similar situation._**

 _K: *flipping through book* Ha ha ha ha ha!_

 _ **C: Shut up, Alton.** _

_K: Sorry. Er, do you have any tips for fighting, questing, going through Tar—I mean, that place, or something else like that?_

 _ **C: Fighting…hmm. Maybe that when you're fighting with a knife, don't try to catch someone's sword on your knife hilt? I am literally the only person who can do that.** _

_K: Questing?_

 ** _C: Jeez, Alton! What do you think I am, related to the goddess of wisdom or something?_**

 _K: *crickets*_

 ** _C: I was joking. Anyway, sure! First tip: When you're leading a quest, don't let Janus confuse you. He may try to. Don't let him. Another tip: Don't go underground with a satyr. It's_ annoying _._**

 _K: Okay…_

 ** _C: And don't fall into…*whispers* Tartarus…_**

 _K: They don't plan to. Anyway, thanks for the interview._

 ** _C: Wait, no. First I have to give a message and some tips to the new campers who want to be architects!_**

 _K: No, really, that's okay. I'll just—_

 _ **C: No, let me talk.** _

_K: I'll just—_

 ** _C: No. Here's the first thing to do when you…_**

The next seven pages of this interview have been omitted in the editing of this book.

 _K: Okay, thanks, Annabeth, but I really have to go. Dinner's starting soon…and I missed my archery practice._

 ** _C: Okay! I hoped that helped!_**

And there you have it! If you want to read the full interview by Annabeth, you can buy her one thousand, one hundred sixty-four page book, _Architecture_ , in the Camp Store. $21.95, or twelve drachma.

And here's our monster fighting thingy for the chapter!

 **Laistrygonian Giant**

Commonly from the north, these violent giants attack demigods as much as normal monsters. They are huge, muscular, and have pointed teeth. When killed, they explode into a cloud of fire, not dust. And they try to eat demigods…and mortals.

Weaknesses: Not really…

Strengths: Fire resistance, super strength, manipulation of the Mist.

How to bring them down: Hit them with something sharp. And fight them in teams of two; one attacks from behind while the other distracts.

 **Hyperborean Giant**

Usually peaceful, it's a bad sign when these guys are fighting you. In fact, they can usually help demigods by providing a safe hiding place. However, the hiding place is not for the squeamish. They are huge and blue-skinned; the Mist doesn't usually bother to disguise them, so they're just invisible to mortals. When they die, instead of turning to dust they turn to ice shards.

Weaknesses: Extreme stupidity, slow, no armor, and they don't expect you to use a weapon. Just your fists.

Strengths: Super strong, super huge, tough skin, freezing breath.

How to bring them down: Use their bodies as ladders and climb up them. And of course…hit them with something sharp. Also, heat will weaken them.

And that'll conclude Chapter Four of Guide to the Demigod World!


	5. Chapter 5

Welcome to Chapter Five of the Guide to the Demigod World! This chapter will have tips and tricks on god/demigod relations, best restaurants to go to on Olympus, and…

An exclusive interview with Zeus! So read on, my cousins/siblings, because this will be an important chapter to all children of the gods. (Which of course you are.) ( **Jake's AN: For this edition of Alton Karr's Guide to the Demigod World, I have removed the Mist from these pages. Anyone can read it, but no one will believe it.** )

So, the first thing every child of the gods needs to know was specified in Chapter One, since it is very important to get into your mind: Your godly parent doesn't care about you or your problems. They're gods. You're a puny half-blood.

Secondly: They will not help you. Occasionally the powers of the gods will extend to their children; occasionally you will get a 'blessing' from one of them. It really doesn't mean anything; don't read into it.

Thirdly: Once you've accepted that your parent would probably prefer you dead to alive, we can move on. Here's a word of warning: Read up on the godly feuds. Poseidon/Hades, Poseidon/Athena, Artemis/Aphrodite, Ares/Hephaestus, Zeus/Pretty much everyone.

Because these can be the difference between life and death. If, for example, Percy Jackson, son of Poseidon, takes a plane: Zeus will smite him. Which means he will throw a lightning bolt equivalent to four A-bombs at the plane, instantly vaporizing Percy and everyone else on board.

So you might even say the gods are keeping an eye on the other gods' children more than their own.

So you have to watch out and avoid your parents' enemies domains. Because you do not want to get smitten (past tense _smite_ ).

* * *

Here's another tip: How to get a god's blessing.

 **Ares** : Do a great feat of bravery/strength.

 **Athena** : Selfless act that will save something precious to her.

 **Aphrodite** : Get into a mess of love and crushes, and get the girl/boy.

 **Hephaestus** : Save something of his, or do a favor for him.

 **Nike** : Win against great enemies.

So far, those are the only gods in our list. However, in later editions we may have added more, so make sure to get each new Guide for more tips 'n' tricks.

* * *

Now we can hear a bit about Olympus itself. The mountain was originally a real, landlocked, mass of stone and dirt in Greece, that mortals could actually climb. (However, they knew better than to do that; Zeus would smite them.)

However, as Western civilization moved on, the mountaintop floated along with the advancement, always moving West. So now, obviously, it's in New York. 600th floor of the Empire State building.

The mountain itself is accessible to demigods and monsters; however, audiences with Zeus must have an appointment. The throne room is off limits unless you're invited, in a life-or-death situation, or you're gonna save the Olympians' godly butts.

The thunder just rumbled. Maybe skip this part.

Anyway, on Olympus, they do have mortal food for some reason. All they ever need is nectar and ambrosia. But when you've hit your limit with the godly food, the pizza stand right to your left when you first step onto the mountain is the best thing ever. And if you want meat, they have a good barbecue place on the corner of Δ and Θ.

If you want to learn more about Olympus, here are some more guide books, all available in the Camp Store.

 _Olympian Architecture_ by Annabeth Chase

 _Best Vegetarian Olympian Meals_ by Grover Underwood

 _The Home of the Gods_ by Hestia

 _Quick Drachma: How to Make a Fortune on Olympus!_ by Travis Stoll

 _History of the Gods_ by Annabeth Chase

 _Olympus' Streets_ by Alton Karr

Okay. Here is the interview with Lord Zeus; he made me cut out two more books and a paragraph about Olympian skydiving so he could get in first. Here it is.

* * *

 _Alton: Lord Zeus?_

 ** _Lord Zeus: Yes, demigod. What is it._**

 _A: Would you let me interview you for a guidebook for campers?_

 ** _LZ: What campers?_**

 _A: At Camp Half-Blood._

 ** _LZ: My son Jason would know more about it._**

 _A: Er…yes, my lord. But would you give a few words of wisdom for our new campers?_

 ** _LZ: Yes, of course, demigod. Now, one thing to remember, is to sacrifice to your godly parent every night. Um…and also me, the king of the gods. Else I will smite you._**

 _A: Yes sir._

 ** _LZ: I was not finished, boy! Now, you must also remember to respect the gods, especially me, the king._**

 _A: Yes sir._

 ** _LZ: Quiet! Lastly: My son Dionysus is not allowed to drink wine or any sort of alchohol. So if you see him drinking, report it immediately to Chiron or your godly parent. And if it's you, Pollux, I will smite you if I find out that you've kept it a secret._**

 _A: Yes sir. But remember, sir, we're trying to encourage the campers, not frighten them._

 ** _LZ: I am the king of the gods! This guide will be whatever I say it will be!_**

* * *

 **This interview was unfortunately cut off.**

Okay. Now there will be a section on monster fighting, then a never-before-seen sneak-peek…of something that's going to be a surprise.

 **Telkhine**

This is a type of sea demon, with heads of dogs, bodies of seals, and flipper/hand-like arms and legs.

Weaknesses: No armor, slow, some stupidity. They are very slow. VERY SLOW.

Strengths: Fire immunity, good at making weapons and machinery. They also can sense gods coming, making it easier for them to hide.

How to bring them down: Hit them with something sharp. And avoid them if they're throwing fire at you.

 **Myrmeke**

This is a kind of ant. An ant that is the size of a golden retriever. They live in the Ant Hill, a mound of dirt in the forest, at least two stories high. No one except Charles Beckendorf, Percy Jackson, Annabeth Chase, and Silena Beauregard have survived. (And the first and last are now dead.)

Weaknesses: They are still ants, so they have no planning or strategy, except to run at you an try to kill you. They are dumb. And they'll ignore you if you don't seem to be a threat.

Strengths: Poison in their pincers, strong jaws, hard shell, and they never attack alone. Always in packs of fifty or more. Imagine two wolf packs with poison and armor. Leave these guys alone.

How to bring them down: Don't try, but aim for the chinks and seams in their shell. Move quickly to avoid their poisonous jaws.

Okay, time for the sneak peek! This is a new invention by Leo Valdez, son of Hephaestus! He has announced that he is beginning construction of something big that he says will change the lives of demigods everywhere: A monster-safe mobile phone! This means that we can use cellphones like normal people, and the monsters won't sense us! This invention is expected to be available by March, in the Camp Store for only ninety-five drachma, or $199.95.

And lastly, a few words.

Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

What? Plenty of Hogwarts students are children or legacies of Hecate.

And that concludes Chapter Five of my Guide to the Demigod World!

 **Please please please review! I'll give you imaginary blue cookies and other stuff! Maybe even a PM!**

 **And if you're a guest who says something mean because you hide behind your mask of anonymity, all I have to say is:**

 **You disgust me.**


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